the conversation in the back seat

today we were driving home from wal-mart and zion was looking at josiah's favorite book in the world "the national audubon's field guide to north american reptiles and amphibians" ok, he loves this book and very rarely even allows others to look at it much less his sister. so she is looking and they are discussing what she is seeing. zion, "hey siah, what kind of snake is this" josiah, "that's not a snake it's a toad" zion, "oh ok, where is it's face" josiah, "right there between it's cheeks" i loved that description!

what more can a girl ask for?

i was informed that art and farmie are going to allow me into their club "the worstest mommy ever club" that makes me happy. finally someone recognizes my talents as a bad mom! this is not the easiest route to take. you have to be glad when you have a day or 2 kid free, you have to hide in your bedroom while the kids are fighting, you have to forget very important things like lunch money, teacher presents, birthday parties and the like. this is not the easiest thing to do, i have to work really hard to be a bad mom!!!
but even though this has been a good day i am very upset and this is why, why can't i find just a bottle of hairspray? not curl spray, or shining spray, or finishing spray or stuff that smells like clouds and berries, i just want to be able to spray my bangs so they don't fly every where and show off the fact that i have a horrible cowlick! is that just too much to ask for, just hairspray!!!

bus worries

riding along on my emotional roller coaster. 2 nights ago i was inconsolable, yesterday i was mad for most of the day and today i want to forget any of this is happening. this is so fun!!
my sweet #2 boys josiah feel asleep on the bus on the way home from school monday and he missed the stop, elisha came running into the house with the announcement "mom we have a major issue" he was smiling the whole time while telling me that josiah didn't get off the bus so i thought he was kidding. after i found out that he wasn't i went and called the school and they called the bus driver who had noticed he had a straggler in the back and had already turned around to bring him home. i was driving down to the bus stop and met him and our very sweet neighbor on the way to our house, he was walking josiah home so he didn't have to come alone. i got him in the car with me and he was very shaky voiced and scared. he said he was mostly just mad at himself because he shouldn't have fallen asleep. I kept telling him that it wasn't his fault, it is just one of those things that happen, it's not anyone's fault. elisha felt really responsible for it because he got off the bus without making sure josiah was there. i explained to him that it wasn't his responsibility to take care of him brother all the time, but i know that now that this has happened it will never happen again, so we learn from it and move on. they were both scared they would be in trouble and josiah was really shook up, so i let him pick where we had supper that night anywhere he wants to go he picked burger king, just because they had good toys in their kids meals. i never let them have kids meals cause they are so much more expensive but i did the other night so he would be happy. the night ended well and everyone was safe and sound at home.

a little bit together

so last night we were doing the family thing, we put a gingerbread house together (i got a kit, not from scratch i'm not that domestic) putting it together was a total pain in the butt, i swear i needed a valium after. there are times that i wonder if i have enough patience to do this thing (the parenting thing) then i know that i don't so i just need Jesus to help me!!!!!!! the kids had a good time but i kept getting aggravated cause it kept falling apart, it is really not that big of a deal or anything not in the scope of eternity it isn't but i get so frustrated so easily at times. then there is my princess, love that kid, she is my joy!!! she has become the most frustrating child in the world, not only that but extremely whiny and she has emotional break downs over everything. makes me wonder when was the last time that i saw her happy for like 5 min in a row! she has such a beautiful smile, i would just like to see it more often! Elisha is the protagonist at our house, he is such a pot stirrer, if everyone is happy and getting along he HAS to do something to get something going. the other night he just went and stood in front of the tv purposefully in josiah and zions way. they had been quiet and happy for a few min and he just couldn't stand it. i am very frustrated with my sweet babies right now, don't know how i am going to pull off the single mom thing?????

@#$#@$#$@#$#@

i am really wanting to unleash an obscenity laden rant this morning, but i will try to keep this as G-rated as possible. i am figuring out that i am still being lied to, of course i am still being lied to the man is a liar! this is just all really hard to swallow. he is frustrated with me cause i am catching him so he is being a jerk. i am ready to puke and crawl into the fetal position with plugs in my ears my eyes shut tightly shut and never crawl out of a big hole! if not for my kids and my job i would be doing just that i promise you. i want to scream at the top of my lungs. i can't believe he thinks i am this stupid.

thankful

This is a homework assignment for my 9 year old neice, she is hilarious and this was her list, please ignore the typos my sister can't spell!!!

A- Animals- I am thankful for animals because they can give you food for example cows give you milk
B- Breanna- I am thankful for Breanna because she is my sister me and her play games togethr and do soo much things together
C- Cats- I am thankful for cats because they are playful and pretty
D- Dad- I am thankful for my dad because he is so much fun i like to play game with him
E- Excitment-I am thankful for excitment because it keeps you running and active
F- Family- I am thankful for my family because friends can move to different countries but famliesy are always there
G- Glad- I am thankful for being glad because when someone is sad you can make them glad by telling them a joke or something like that.
H- Holidays- I am thankful for holidays because they are times of years when my family comes together
I- Islands- I am thankful for islands because without them the earth would just be water
J- Jesus- I am thankful for because he is the king of kings he is the lord of lords
K- Keenan- I am thankful for Keenan because he is little he ius like my maid when i askhim to do something he will do as i ask
L- Lori - I am thankful for Lori because she is my mom
M - Mom- I am thankful for my mom becuase she gave me life breath
N- Night- I am thankful for night time because without it we would just have light all of the time and no sleep
O- Owasso - I am thankful for Owasso because it is the state that i used to live in
P- Parents- I am thankful for my parents because they give e food and a place to live
Q- Quilts- I am thankful for quilts because they keep us warm at night
R- Rainbows - I am thankful for rainbows because they are one of the most prettiest things in the sky
S- Stylin- I am thankful for Stylin because it is pretty
T-Tori -I am thankful for Tori because she is my best friend
U- United States- I am thankful for the united states becasue it is the country we live in
V- Venus Fly Trap- I am thankful for Venus fly traps because they eat flies
W- Water- I am thankful for watr becase most of our body is made up of water (her spelling error on this one actually says "because most of our Botty is made up of water- most of my booty is made up of water!!!!)
X- X-rays- I am thankful for x-rays because they let us know if a bone is broken
Y- Years - I am thankful for years because with out them our sloar system would be just every where.
Z- Zoos- I am thankful for zoos because it is a place where we can see all different kinds of animals

zion olivia

Zion had her first experience with an electric fence today..... she didn't really enjoy it, I was waiting for her to go back out there and challenge the fence to a duel threatening to make it short out, but she stayed away from it for the rest of the time we were there. Once we got home tonight she came to me and showed me her leg and arm where she had been written on with a marker, she (knowing that writing on herself is strictly forbidden) begins to tell me how she didn't do it, the markers did it by themselves because they are "magic markers"

Thankful?

tis the season to be thankful, i know, but it isn't that easy this year. I am thankful for my kids, my friends, my family. so how is it that everything that is so good in my life gets overshadowed by the fact that my husband is a *^%$+~ so my new pet peeve is when people tell me that i am a strong woman or "more of a woman than i could ever be" or tell me how brave i am or try in other ways to be like "chin up jen, things will get better" ok, when will they get better, anyone got a time frame on that one? i would like some sort of syllabus or timeline for that whole getting better thing. i am not strong i am weak, if i was strong i would have burned his crap and kicked him out but i am weak because i don't care about all the other stuff i just want him. but then all the other stuff comes up and i hate him all over again. i hate this crap so much.
thanksgiving day was total crap, one of my worst days. wanda took the kids to north carolina so i ended up coming home to an empty house by myself at about 3o'clock in the afternoon and i was in the bed by about 6:45, i just couldn't handle being completely alone....sucks!!

my daughter

she is incredible!!! she is in the living room right now watching finding nemo, nemo and his dad were just reunited and she is laughing with excitement through tears..... she is such a girl.... i love it!!!

josiah the superhero!

josiah just walked in the room where i am cooking a delicious and nutricious dinner and informed me that he wished he glowed cause if he could glow then he wouldn't need a nightlight, he would be the nightlight! he is so smart!

go girls team

ok, so today we really should have gone to church but i was really just wanting to sleep until i woke up and now that the kids are pretty good at getting up and entertaining themselves until i get up i can do that sometimes. i slept until about 8:30, it was so nice!!! I wanted to do something fun with them cause we haven't in a long time so I asked Elisha what he wanted to do, he suggested we go bowling that sounded like a pretty good idea so that is what we did. while i was getting ready Elisha wrote me a poem: roses are red violets are blue why don't you let daddy live in the same room as you.... great poem..... thanks kid, i really needed something to feel bad about today. especially since this is a decision that daddy is making right now and i hate it just as much as they do, i think it is stupid, unneccessary and all that but it is what he wants so i don't have a vote.
while we were bowling, zion and i defeated the boys GO GIRLS TEAM!!! so i said to the boys "girls rule boys drool" in my very most grown up voice. josiah then retaliated with "boys go to college to get more knowledge, girls go to jupiter to get more stupider" i was impressed at his rhyming ability. zion came back with "girls go to college and get more beautiful, boys go to jupiter to get more stupider" valiant effort my only daughter valian effort! we celebrated our victory with a nap. i think we will attempt church tonight, i just do not really enjoy going anywhere while my scarlet letter is so visible to everyone, but i have to keep my kids involved in their life whether i want to check out or not!!!

some favorite stories

to lighten the mood somewhat i will now tell a few of my favorite stories from my children.
#1 Elisha, always the entrepreneur has from time to time opened his own business (so to speak) he usually will take snacks out of the pantry, put them in a box and charge his brother and sister to eat them. they usually come to me for the money. so i end up paying 2xs for the same thing. one day he decided to open a "organizing"business. he made a sign and put it up on his door that said "Elisha's organinzing community, where you come in unorganized and leave with a smile" i thought that was hilarious!!!! He is such a marketing genius!!
#2 Josiah, when he was 5 he walked up behind Elisha (who has always bullied his brother) and smacked him to the ground, tilted his head back and said "yeah, that's how I roll" he was very proud of himself.
#3 Zion, oh Zion, there are so many stories..... right now the favorite of the moment is when i got on to her the other day and she said "i can't believe you would do this to your only daughter" she has the emotional manipulation downpat!!!!

one last time

ok, so i am going to say this because i just now have been able to put it into words, then i will no longer (ok, right whatever) post about this depressing crap and become my normal cheery self..... yeah, ok
I have figured out what i feel like right now:
I am way down in the bottom of a very deep well several people come by, peek in the top and say such wise things as "you really should get out of there" or "here let me help you get out" then they reach their hand in that is soooo completely short it don't even come close to reaching. then i have those who say "i've been in this well, you can get out, it will just take time" all the while i am in the bottom of this thing, no rope, no footholds, no hand holds nothing. i feel like i am making some headway then fall all the way back down to the bottom. people come by and say "let me know if i can help you get out of there" but no one is able to help me. then my husband is standing there telling me how if i loved myself enough i wouldn't be in this well and if i was just a different person i would be able to get out with no problem at all......
ok, so that is it

Jeni Says

emotional roller coaster

today has not really been that great for me. i know that i "should" go to church but it is such an emotional roller coaster for me when i do so that makes me not want to go. everything reminds me of the life i used to have and will probably never have again. people in ministry, men of integrity, teenagers............ just makes me want to sit at my house and not go. i went this morning and this couple got up and testified about how they were divorced and God brought them back together and now they are in ministry together and all of that. it just makes me mad cause i never wanted to be one of those couples with the whole "we made it through this and you can too stories" not that that is a bad thing or whatever i just didn't want to go through something like this. i know that people make it through this kind of stuff all the time and are better for it and stuff..... i just don't want to. rick is so weird now, he is uncaring and not my
"loving" man that he has always been. he is so cold to me and i wonder if by going through all the marriage therapy and stuff is even going to work for us. not if he doesn't want to change. I don't want to waste my time going through all this so we can just end up divorced later. i hate thinking about it all the time and i really hate talking about it all the time, i am so ready to move on!!!! we went to the "therapist" thursday and rick's insurance will pay for the first 25 visits so we will be doing some good by that time hopefully. i really like the guy we are seeing he seems really good, it just seems like we are on this emotional roller coaster and i am ready to get off now!!!

Dirty Dancing UK - Julia and James First Dance

I love this!!!

Rant

I FEEL LIKE CRAP!! I have been sick all weekend. Fever, chills, body aches, sore throat, headache.... the whole kit and caboodle! I am thinking it is just a sinus infection but who knows, I know it can't be the flu, I don't have time for the flu.
So Friday night I had a visitor who was very put out with me for "acting very prom queen" about all this stuff with Rick, he said I was pulling high school crap and I needed to grow up. When a man screws up and admits it it is my job to forgive him and move on with life. So is that the way it is supposed to be? I should just be greatful that he wants to still be in my life and not make him reap any consequences for what he has done. Just take him back in (that is if he wants to come back) and forget the rest because he has said he is sorry. I don't think it is "high school" of me to expect my husband to love me and act like he loves me. I don't think it is "high school" of me to want him to put out some effort to woo me back. Maybe I am expecting too much out of him, after all he is "just a man" but I am sorry I don't think that having a penis automatically exempts you from being an idiot. I am a little sick of that crappy excuse! Just because I have a vaginia does not give me the excuse to be a b-----! Well ok, maybe it does a little but I don't try to get out of my responsibilities because of the thing! Anyway..........

football is over

3 nights a week since August we have been engaged in football. Elisha lives for football and while it is football season our entire house revolves around this sport. Zion was cheering this year too, so at least she was somewhat occupied during practices and games. But today it all comes to an end. We have a moms vs. kids game monday night that all the moms are really excited about! But they played their last game today, the championship game which they lost :(! 20-8 not great, but they are the 2nd team in the league which isn't a bad thing at all! I know he is disappointed, I can't help but be a little excited just because I am so sick of football that I could scream. I am ready to have a life other than practice, games, and washing uniforms all the time. I am making everyone take a break from all sports right now, nothing for the next season, I am taking some time off of the soccer/football/basketball/baseball mom thing. Hopefully we can get the rest of our family stuff straight so there isn't so much stinkin stress when the next season comes along.

blah blah blobbity blah

so i haven't blogged in a few days and now my computer at home is down so i am stuck with the limited (very limited) internet that i can access at work. this website is one of the few that i can get to which is why i come here.
so the latest status on my marriage is.... confusing, up in the air..... rick is saying all the right stuff, everything coming out of his mouth is the right thing, and the stuff i need to hear but i am just concerned that there aren't many feelings behind it. i am worried that he is "trying" just to say he did and then he is going to leave me anyway. this whole thing has opened my eyes to so much about myself that i haven't realized ever before. i never would have thought that i would want him after something like this, i always thought i would just kick him out and go on with my life. but it is totally different when you are on this side of it. all of that stuff would be easy to do if i didn't love him, if i didn't worship the freakin' ground this man walks upon!!!!! it makes me mad that i can't get mad, all i can feel is lonely and missing him and stuff!! makes me nuts that this is the way i feel!!

confusing times

so how can you be so very hurt by someone, hate their guts but love them so completely!! how can someone that says they love you hurt you unlike anything you could ever imagine? ok, and how come i can't get mad about this. i mean i have moments of anger but i can't stay mad at him. i just miss him so much and want him to come home, but i know that he can't until we get stuff fixed. the problem with a busted up marriage is that you lose your best friend, your companion, your comfort zone. so how can you just get all that back? how can we move on from here? i'm not sure that i can forgive him but i don't know if i can hold it against him either. i just want my life back, but i'm not sure that things will ever get back to normal. there is just so much uneasiness and unsurity (is that a word?) things may never be back like it used to be, can i handle that? don't know. all questions no answers!!!!!

My pastor is amazing

my pastor is the greatest man in the world! I was listening to Good Morning America today and they said that a mega church is defined as a church with more than 2000 members and that there are 250 in America now. My church is one of those 250, we have 3500 members. I love my church so much and have since I started going there, but my "recent tragedy" has really made me appreciate it so much more. My pastor has called me 2x's just to check on me. The man is in charge of caring for 3500 people on a day to day basis and he takes the time out to call me when he was thinking about me. He said that I was heavy on his heart and so he decided to call me and see how I was. I sooooo needed that right when he called. I was having a rough day and I needed to know that God knew my name. It was just really cool of him to do that. My church has really stepped up and helped me alot through this as well as many friends and family, but you know you sort of just expect them to step up but for a church the size of ours to minister so personally to me during this has been great!