blah blah blobbity blah

so i haven't blogged in a few days and now my computer at home is down so i am stuck with the limited (very limited) internet that i can access at work. this website is one of the few that i can get to which is why i come here.
so the latest status on my marriage is.... confusing, up in the air..... rick is saying all the right stuff, everything coming out of his mouth is the right thing, and the stuff i need to hear but i am just concerned that there aren't many feelings behind it. i am worried that he is "trying" just to say he did and then he is going to leave me anyway. this whole thing has opened my eyes to so much about myself that i haven't realized ever before. i never would have thought that i would want him after something like this, i always thought i would just kick him out and go on with my life. but it is totally different when you are on this side of it. all of that stuff would be easy to do if i didn't love him, if i didn't worship the freakin' ground this man walks upon!!!!! it makes me mad that i can't get mad, all i can feel is lonely and missing him and stuff!! makes me nuts that this is the way i feel!!

confusing times

so how can you be so very hurt by someone, hate their guts but love them so completely!! how can someone that says they love you hurt you unlike anything you could ever imagine? ok, and how come i can't get mad about this. i mean i have moments of anger but i can't stay mad at him. i just miss him so much and want him to come home, but i know that he can't until we get stuff fixed. the problem with a busted up marriage is that you lose your best friend, your companion, your comfort zone. so how can you just get all that back? how can we move on from here? i'm not sure that i can forgive him but i don't know if i can hold it against him either. i just want my life back, but i'm not sure that things will ever get back to normal. there is just so much uneasiness and unsurity (is that a word?) things may never be back like it used to be, can i handle that? don't know. all questions no answers!!!!!

My pastor is amazing

my pastor is the greatest man in the world! I was listening to Good Morning America today and they said that a mega church is defined as a church with more than 2000 members and that there are 250 in America now. My church is one of those 250, we have 3500 members. I love my church so much and have since I started going there, but my "recent tragedy" has really made me appreciate it so much more. My pastor has called me 2x's just to check on me. The man is in charge of caring for 3500 people on a day to day basis and he takes the time out to call me when he was thinking about me. He said that I was heavy on his heart and so he decided to call me and see how I was. I sooooo needed that right when he called. I was having a rough day and I needed to know that God knew my name. It was just really cool of him to do that. My church has really stepped up and helped me alot through this as well as many friends and family, but you know you sort of just expect them to step up but for a church the size of ours to minister so personally to me during this has been great!